LEFTOUTSIDE

We all find our ways to escape. To temporarily find a way out of the puzzle that is our lives. The pressures that you feel as if the walls are closing in on you. The despair that pours slowly onto you as if it was a pail of boiling water. That inscribes into you this feeling of hopelessness that seemingly seems impossible to co-exist with. It’s either them or you and when you are knee deep in shit the stink is so strong that you can’t think of anything else. 

There are various levels of escapism that exist, some more extreme than others. A majority of a society normalizes many of them. Liquor is consumed publicly on a daily basis while we transport our brains into a reality that doesn’t exist as we put on a pair of headphones, throw it in full blast, look out a window as the family and friends around us disappear. We all just want to run away. 

It’s difficult to accept that fact. With societal norms constantly changing, the perception of our natural instinct of fight or flight has evolved. No longer are we running from ancient animals with necks that grow past the clouds. Now we run away from ourselves. 

Escapism is in a boiled egg a lack of self-control. Be it masturbation, sex, lovers, drugs, smoking and or music. To sit in the silence of our thoughts is a forgotten art. To feel and hear an uncomfortable thought that weighs on you like a rusted anchor is emotional death if you let it sink to the very bottom of the ocean. Without the scuba divers of our vices and escapes to intercept it before long it will be out of our reach. We can only watch it slowly float down as every meter bends our soul and wretches our heart so tightly that we begin to lose control. Lose faith. 

The deeper it goes the darker it gets. The darker it gets the bigger the creatures that lurk beneath are. The darkest mechanisms you have crafted for yourself to escape. 

In my case I don’t speak of drug use. I have jousted with that dark horse and have come out victorious with a mutual understanding between the two of us. No, I speak about Gooning. It is with this addiction, this escape that I have created a funnel that whispers to all my fears and doubts that they are right. That when I am lost this sensual voice will whisper that I am a loser. That I am a failure. That I am addicted. That I should accept that all I am good for is masturbating. That I should obsess and masturbate every chance. To turn me into a hand fucking bimbo that is stupid and all my worth is how long I can masturbate for. It’s a dangerous game. To accept this voice, this cult-like community that supports your fear to face your life. That reinforces porn addiction, cuck activity. Transforming your solotion based thinking to hand fucking thinking. This is my addiction. ‘Goon fuel’ is simply you allowing your insecurity to run rampant. 

I had returned to it recently for noble purposes.. Or so I believed. I had met a girl recently who was every bit of filth I have ever dreamed of. I was very careful and only proclaimed I would be with her for the right reasons, I was only beginning to heal from multiple relationships I had stacked upon each other and the combined effect was overwhelming for a time. To say the most in simple words, I was not ready to be intimate and return to my sexual energy. But men will be men just as women will be women, they will fuck, fuck, fuck when their bodies just align with each other. So we fucked, and we fucked, fucked. I did my best to be in the moment, I was never worried about fulfilling her rather than having us both experience each other’s bodies. I am in no rush to have us having amazing sex off the bat, that is just unrealistic. However, through certain circumstances we had to separate and since then there has been a hope to return to our union and sexual frustrations have come to light since we have been so far apart from each other. Now I forcefully push myself to begin masturbation with myself to feel myself as I was simply not into masturbation at this point for the first time in my life. Returning was like taking a sledgehammer and bashing my skull with it. I have relapsed in a way that has me gooing away. I want to go goon right now.